A soft knock on my door
You came in and held me closely in your arms
You say sorry, that you'll change

I'm constantly filled with the empty promises
you make.
Bearing it since childhood...
One lil hug won't pull it off...
You can never erase the past on my shoulders.

What i always wanted from you,
You'll never offer...
I have already stopped hoping
In wishes that'll never come true.

How can you tear me down...
And say you love me.
How can you love me...

I hate...

<30dec06'>

What is painful rejection...

I long for the reasons
You understand but
Give no concern.

From a distance,
I know you heard the noises
But you'll never, ... Never
See me...
Bleeding behind those walls.

The pain...
Even i couldn't feel it now.
My fingers went numb.

You never came...

I'll never let you see...
The real part of me.

Leaving...
I'm leavin this season
Leaving~

Accompanied by an unknown anthem
I'm walkin tall, Headin forward
I'm carryin on...
Gonna be changing
What i use to put on myself
Distress can never keep up...
But joy does.

Feelin the pain urging within me,
Was totally covered in darkness
Always under the rain...

As i turned to look back...
That was the beginning

Talking to my presence.

<27dec06'>

Lookin into the mirror
Again, i shed these
Worthless tears


How can one's cry...
So soft, so fragile
Yet broken and crushed inside

I hate myself...
I love myself...

Speaking with... no sound~

The season of my grieve upon you
Is now over...
Its last words gave me a mark of hope
That i can actually... be happy

But being with me still,
Is the grieving soul that
I've nurtured in the past.

Isolate me...
Possessing me...
Your love for me is hurting me

Within me,
Grasped sorrows from history.
I'm unaware but i know
The emptiness inside...

Isolate me,
Tormenting me,
Oh how i want to fight for me.

Lookin at the brighter side as my journey begins,
Thought you'd be the one i shared it with.
Strolling down the streets.

Watching people around caught in
their own thoughts,
i'm here stuck with you.

I don't wanna fall back on uncertainty
Look, i'm so much better off without all the
unreal emotions...

<8nov06'>

Grow up... grow out of this
devastating state
Leave the hopeless dreams
this hopeless realm.
i love you.

I have no directions for my heart.
For i'll be leaving...
leaving this hopeless realm.

Find my place in the light
Hope... is restored in my sight
I'm hopin to find new desires for
my heart.

I just don't wanna wither away...
Not just like that.

I love you.

This love was not dedicated to anyone specific, but myself.

<1nov06'>

Broken Soul

Desolation beneath the blanket,
Lost under the rain
Defeated on the floor
Dying in pain... all unseen

I wish i was never one of them..

Isolated. Beaten by the silence.
Within my whisper...
Lies a devastated cry

But it's all unheard.

Broken soul...
I will be there for you.
Only pain can ease my sorrows.

With my heart, i swear
I will mend...
Oh, broken soul
Just don't give in.

This is self depredation

I cannot let the darkness taunt my broken soul...

No words now, could defend for you
Solitude you belong to.
Oh... i grief for you.

Spare my life oh broken soul...
Coz' only pain can ease my sorrows.

Now i swear, let me go.
One step to the light
I'll mend you...!
I'll fix you...!

<27oct06'>/<31oct06'>

Holding on to rejection .
- I cried, I was stupid -
Constantly defeated by false hope.
It was all well in the beginning.
But turned devil in the end...
Not that i did not expect it .
Just givin my last of the lasts
of strength... to try to hope
oh. How i enjoy and hate the pain .

You looked at me, but didn't bother.
You listened but... you didn't care.
Sanity overwhelmed by emotions.

beauty can only be seen in pain.
Thats me. Tragic. To be so dead for nothin..
Dried up. I love... pain.

Behind The Apple Tree

Poor innocent soul...
Neglected through the years
No one understands you..
Turn around . and just leave this world .

Ignore me ... and walk away
And you'll never see me again
How you held me close and say you love me
But left me to face this world alone
Stop... and listen to me
Don't deny my existence...
Beat me... and break me down
You'll never see me smile again
How you left this scar
on me...
It locked me in and
torture me.

I am falling...
Don't deny me...

You won't see me cry...
In darkness i dwell
Isolated...
Behind the apple tree

<26oct06'>

Grey Area

I'm back in my isolation
The screams in my heart
Whispers softly to God
I couldn't be sure of
What i asked of Him

I wished i never have to go through this kind of life...
Which made me so use to holding onto my regrets, scars and hurts
If i never knew You, i wouldn't have hold back
I could've run away... I would've destroyed myself and face
Remorse alone...

It's be the same...
I'm weak... mentally, spiritually.
But i fear to die. It's a ridicule.
I'm weak. I'm afraid and i don't want to be overcome by
the darkness.
I don't want to obtain strength from it to retaliate.
Neither obtain strength from God to hold back.

I'm in the grey area...
I have my own desires...

More to come, I kept it to myself.

Listenin to the old voices...
Figurin how to cry over it...
Trying to hold myself..
Almost wander away...

Listenin to the cold voices
Learnin to understand
the screeching in her heart
Makes me wanna scream along...

Who am i to speak to...
When pain coils inside of me
Who am i to go to...

Shallow waters... covered by a thick mist
My words cannot be strong no more
I'm just lying in comfort
with my loneliness...

Oh... addicted to the destruction of soul.
for it's the only being that
understands me.
Existed to say everything about me.
I can't pull myself away from it.
Its screams are comfortably... tormenting..
I'm sad to end up like this.
Wish someone to pull me out
To understand me... someone...
Till then... i'll be stuck here

Im not poor... nor too rich
to inherit this loneliness.
Im just like any ordinary girl with an ordinary family.
Just... a different spirit i have within.
A sensitive one. Emotional.
Whatever i breathe in, or breathe out
could never be understood by mere humans.
Guess being partly spiritual ain't the world's cup of tea.
What's broken inside of me, is what no one will ever see.
Same thing goes for everyone...
No one knew, what matter most to me wasn't
things that i could touch or see.
It's the personality from the other individual
that could let me feel what's really real.

Now, ... i'd just wait till mornin to.
To wait till i've figured out what's
real or not.

<19oct06'>

A Soundless Music

What is it about...

Why are you fumbling in your thoughts
Getting drifted away by emptiness

Inassurance out of blindness..
stirs my rage within .
So unable to get things straight .
I'm losin faith... though

I'm never sure i have any .

~constantly, drained out
by you ... remember.
I could barely walk .
My ways went crooked, my heart burnt to ashes

It was only pain then, to comfort me.
Persistence of persuasion, leading me to depression.
Because no being ever stood up to understand
What was lying beneath those pool of tears.
I could only be known for hopelessness...
Senseless thoughts... a soundless music.
Longing for some life. somethin real.


Oh... still lying beside me... was a defeated emotion.



I'm always crying for nothing because i was never given a reason not to...

<18oct06>

Oh...
And a new day has begun...

We've made it clear...
How simple was that
But it took a thousand years of courage
To step back.
To let go... Of what's empty

Some people may be there for you..
In the right time and place..
But that don't sum up
That he may be the one for your life...

Don't fall... Don't cry...
Just give up what's not real
Just break yourself apart...
To feel... what's real.

<14oct06'>

<10aug06'>

Lyin here . .. Watch the petals fallin ..
The sun sets .. Broke down on the horizon
Yea .. feel the pain ..
Oh. sweep me away..

Lyin here. . Watch you turnin your back ..
The sun sets.. i'm filled with regrets.
Yea.. Feel my pain .
Oh sweep me away

<25july06>

Started off light and green...
a new born child with new skin
Oh, that blue blue sky
i wanna fly up high

In my shoes and shades...
I'm walking and not afraid
Oh, that blue blue sky
i wanna fly up high

Hey sun, shine on me...

Everytime, i dive through the world . . .
What is beneath isn't what it seems like
On the surface.
Deep down.. . Insecurity is hidden in the sands.
Hunger for selfish desires comes like a predator.
Eventually, they become as preys before
Bitterness and misery.
Some pearls my be seen, but some may be
Locked in clams. And with this, jealousy arose.
Struggles... Then appear.

All in all, it never ends.
The life beneath keeps on going.

~Dissatisfaction~

<15july06>

Just cry out... No one will listen,

Just runaway... No one will be missing.

Like a flower, withering in a summer
Look at the sun, it is fading...
I don't have enough
And the going gets tough
Cut me off, toss me on the floor...

Oh... Please understand.

I'm dead within.
Tearing from under my skin.
I'm falling... I'm just
Gonna keep on... Crying.

<25june06>

I love you.
It was the distance
That broke us into two.
Look over you,
To see that little girl
Wishing ...
Someone would see her in this
Pool of pain.
But no one understood...
No one could...
No one tried.

The torch will be her
Only light...
Her tears will be her
Only pride...
Her shadow is her
Only company...
Through out this never ending misery...

Her blanket will be her
Securities through the hours...
Her uncertainties will be her
Dreams to keep her asleep at night...

Who could remember the words spoken...
That brought pain.
The worst image of love given
Unnoticed,
Ruin my life forever.

She's the only one i love...
Only she can give me bravery.

Like a rose among the torns...
Never get to see what's over the hedge
Unable to grow out of this pricking thoughts...

Let me wither away...
Than to be a beauty, unseen
Priceless petals... fall away
There is nothing left but an ugly scene

~In the early summer, i was budding,
You should have seen me spreading my wings
Getting my first sight of the sun...
I made it, on my own...
Sad enough... I never wished
To be born on wrong soil~

Console me, was only the grinning thorns...
Sat my life on the edge,
I'd rather be uprooted...
Place me in a deeper pit...

~winter is arriving, the thorns all
cuddle up round me... One by one,
piercing into me... What life i have
Has been taken from me... That moment,
I forgot what it is like to breathe...~

I hate my life...

<10june06>

Being speechless at midnight,
Unable to reply the quietness...
I'm taking it slow,
Allowing time to fill up the spaces
Finally appreciating the song
You gave me,
Telling me about forever love,
Assuring me about what is not certain.
Yeah, you finally understood me,
When i'm already growing lighter
On this end.
Fading s i go...
Felt so bad...

Oh... I'm just happy
That i can finally identify
The rain clouds in my head...
That i can finally tell it when to stop...
That i can finally tell myself
What's going on.

My words are plain,
In order to keep my emotions sane.

<8june06>

Looking at the rain clouds...
My past, replays in my mind like a movie-wheeler
One moment, it doesn't seem like it was
Gonna rain...
But, it's been almost too long...
No matter where i stood,
I could still hear the storm.

The hearts of people,
Anticipating for it to pour,
Beats into a rhythm of doubts and fears...

People live lifes on a highway.
Not knowing what lies ahead was the end of it.
People always wait for something which inevitably
Becomes nothing in the end...

<28my06>

The minutes went on and on... After a distance, another appears.
An unfinishing journey sort of.
The grief in my heart contains emptiness.
On this spacious realm, i lie...
What can be done is done

I tried to keep the picture safe and sound in mind.
The picture of the loss i've buried in...

See the wind consoling nature...
She was there lying in the deepest pit of neglect.
But another story was told... Like a witness bearing the truth,
Who couldn't gather her own nerves to testify...
To someone who's breaking before her own eyes

The longest moments in the last of days.
The meanest pain to face...
She was looking for a turn in that end.
Unfortunately, she died a cruel death.

I'm talking about death...
I'm grieving... For the one i use to trust my feelings with.
She's watched me smile, seen me cry...
Tasted my tears, understood my fears...
But i let her down when all of it comes to her.
By right, i should be the one cast down.
The truth are written in an alienated language...
For the heart only speaks to heart.

No proper burial to ease her pain,
To bury her trace... Totally exposed.
All because i couldn't afford time.

I woke up in the middle of quietness
Dealing with time...
Simply indulging into the
Soothness of the flow of moments.

The blues had kept me sane...
I'm no more tracing my past
Pain, is like the people walking in the city streets
Like the candy held in a little boy's hand
Like the air we breathe in today,
Yesterday... And forever.

Joy, like the first streak of dawn...
Like the moments we cherished...
Like the thoughts that go through our minds

Pain... So ordinary. Joy... So temporal.

<22may06>

No Longer

No longer will i be condemned
No longer will i be tossed around
By waves of uncertainties

What the world gives only restrain me
Only Your truth can set me free
From what i can't see

No longer will i be forsaken
No longer will i be faraway
From the life You have
For me...

For You died on the cross
Turned death into victory
For You died on that cross
We're no longer enslaved to sin...

You are beautiful.

<14may06>

Colourful Days

What you see is what you get.
But we are to walk by faith
Not by sight...

Colours can be only one or many
Depending...
Only decided by the eye of
Our heart...

Love, what's real and what's not
What's empty, what's full
What's bitter, what's sweet
Because... It is life's content.

Pain and joy,
Can both tear ur apart
Or satisfies one's desire...
Neglect neither one.